Brandan Wright

Wanna know why the Warriors can’t stay healthy?

I’m a former member of the Golden State Warriors organization. No, I’m not joking. I even have the business cards to prove it. In one of the more short-sighted decisions of my mid-to-early 20’s (which is REALLY saying something), I decided to quit my steady full-time job in Petaluma and move to my sister’s house in Livermore where I’d presumably make a living selling (drumroll) Warriors season ticket packages.

It seemed great at first. I got a parking pass that allowed me to park in the same parking garage that Chris Mullin parked his Mercedes 600 and Mike Dunleavy and a consistently hungover-looking Troy Murphy parked their matching silver 7-series BMWs.

But like most people who enter Golden State as happy campers, soon I was looking for a way out. 25 hours per week, $9/hr (that’s right, I’m leaking my salary…if we get to know what Corey Maggette makes you might as well hear what the poor saps making cold calls in an attempt to sugarcoat Adonal Foyle’s extension were making) and no luck selling ticket packages chased me out of 1011 Broadway faster than Danny Fortson.

However, I was there long enough to see how the Warriors work from the inside. I saw the front office. I used the same urinals as Mike Montgomery. I watched TV in the lobby with Mickael Pietrus. I saw Foyle drip sweat all over the stairs after “working out.”

What does this all mean? Nothing much, except I have an insider’s view as to why the Warriors get injured all the freakin’ time. And since I took notes back then (what, you thought all I did was make cold calls for five straight hours every day?), here’s a Letterman-style list of the Top 10 reasons why the Warriors all seem to have osteoporosis.

1. When you walk past the gym, the first thing you see the Warriors’ slogan: STRETCHING IS FOR PUSSIES.

2. Little known fact: Warriors’ trainer Tom Abdenour is actually a witch doctor, and he’s self-taught. That’s right, he didn’t even go to witch medical school.

3. The Warriors have a massage service that’s actually very popular, even though the masseuse has no “massage training.” All my coworkers in the call center said it was because each massage consists only of a “happy ending” … whatever that is.

4. Instead of gatorade, the Warriors’ gym featured a bucket full of leeches. Leeches after working out sounds weird, but apparently Brandan Wright swears by it.

5. No cafeteria at the Warriors’ facility, but they did have a Taco Bell Xpress/Pizza Hut/KFC. How else do you think they were able to sign Ronny Turiaf?

6. Most NBA teams seem to end their practices with halfcourt shots or some other contest. The Warriors pair off and fight it out in the Octagon.

7. This happened after I left: after Don Nelson went bowling one night in Alameda, he made it a requirement that each morning the maintenance people pour oil on the basketball court, which he henceforth would consistently refer to as the “alley.”

8. The Warriors had an operating room on site, but the only doctor allowed inside was Dr. Nick from The Simpsons.

9. After Dunleavy proposed one day that the Warriors all get those “Strength” shoes so he could finally dunk with two hands for the first time, the Warriors instead supplied the team with high heels, pointing out that it seemed like no problem for the chicks in that old Easy Spirit commercial.

10. Two words: smoking lounge.

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