Braylon Edwards

What came first, the Crabtree or the Bray?

The Jets were clearly interested in getting Michael Crabtree, and Eugene Parker probably told them it was a possibility this year. The fact that either party believed the other shows how idiotic both are (and shows why the Jets will probably fade after a hot start for the second season in a row), but the detective in all of us asks: how did last night really shake down?

Did Michael Crabtree decide after watching the 49ers win 35-0 on Sunday with a completely impotent offense in the first half once and for all that he needed to sign with the Niners, leading to the Jets realizing they were going to have to look elsewhere for a high-profile metrosexual wide receiver?

Or after the tampering charges, the Deion Sanders deal (which, of course, came with MC Hammer in tow, proving once again that superstar athletes never truly leave the decade they excel in) and impatience did the Jets decide to trade for Braylon Edwards, leaving Crabtree and Parker with no other option but to take the next flight to San Jose and hammer out a deal before the entire season was wasted?

Now, I could go about researching Google News for the next three hours and not find any evidence, so I went to Adam Schefter’s Twitter Page. First of all, this dude does not sleep during the NFL Season. God, I wish I had his job.

Anyway, Schefter reported the Crabtree signing about 18 hours ago (which means around 3 am PST).

He reported the Edwards trade (and he was the first to do this, so that’s why this and his Twitter page are relevant) 16 hours ago.

So let’s assume that the Jets heard about the 49ers signing Crabtree, and then went into action.

Well, of course that’s the way it happened, because:

–Edwards dropped a first quarter pass, then went catchless in a five-quarter game against the Bengals on the same weekend where he punched LeBron James’ version of Farnsworth Bentley in the face (side note: I totally forgot just now whether the “B” in LeBron’s first name gets capitalized … I don’t know how people wrote blogs back before the internets were around)  in what was probably one of the most flamboyant fights in Cleveland history.

–Even with Evelyn Crabtree’s behavior lately, would any NFL team want him less than Edwards and his “War Cologne?” I think not.

–If you were Crabtree, would you rather play in (relatively) warm San Francisco for Mike Singletary, or in soon-to-get-ball-numbing-cold New Jersey for Rex Ryan?

Apparently Parker didn’t show up to Crabtree’s press conference. You know why? Because he was FIRED. This hasn’t been reported, but rest assured it is true. Crabtree’s name was drug through the mud (and recently changed to “Evelyn”), and all he got was a measly $1 million more in signing bonus money than he went on strike for. $32 million total, $40 million with ridiculous incentives, it doesn’t matter. Anybody who looks at total optimum value of NFL contracts anymore also watches primetime TV commercials on the major networks in their entirety.

This was the Eugene Parker show after Crabtree got drafted, then the whole thing deteriorated into a whole bunch of cousin-speak, Deion and Hammer. Parker collects a paycheck, but in the process sets back non-white-super-agents about 10 years. Whose the next athlete who will stray from the top squeaky-clean agents in any American professional league after this nonsense?

Another victory for the NFL, a slight victory for Crabtree (since he was only going to lose more and more money the longer he sat out) and Edwards (because he was done in Cleveland, and perhaps the change of scenery will help), and a complete and total blowout loss for Parker, who thought he could use Deion Sanders of all people and get over on the system. The machine is too big, Eugene. The machine is too big.

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