Tiger Woods

Who wore (out) it better, Tiger or that Tool on VH-1?

Tiger Woods beat up by wifeI tried to avoid writing about this whole Tiger Woods thing ever since I found out that according to the Florida Highway Patrol, facial lacerations are “serious” injuries. I was driving around on the day after Thanksgiving, and hearing the radio reports made it seem like Tiger was on the verge of death from a drunken driving wreck, not getting his car windows smashed by his furious Swedish wife.

Don’t worry, no dissertation on Tiger’s lack of honesty as a statement on the ethics of the American people here. Tiger’s no better than any other rich athlete who’s never been told no, even if he plays in a sport where the “athletes” purport to be the most honorable because they report mistakes on their scorecards. Just a bunch of smarmy comments from me, and I’m sure you’d expect nothing less.

— After checking out pictures of the skanks hostesses and waitresses Tiger has been linked to, it becomes clear once again that no matter who you are, you want what you can’t have. Since Tiger is with one of the most naturally beautiful Swedish women a golfer has ever talked to, let alone married, he now only fantasizes about gross porn star reality-prostitute types with huge fake lips and tits. Tiger may have previously been known as the most clean-cut sports star in the world, but now the world knows he’s a dirty boy.

Jaimee Grubbs Tiger Woods— Tiger is an idiot. Not for cheating on Elin, but for how he did it. Tigger, you’re a damn billionaire. Pay off the chicks you sleep with, don’t text them 300 times or leave them voicemails where you list tasks that smart people find impossible to complete, let alone chicks who appeared on reality shows that revolve around the douches they’re dating (Taking your name off your phone so it doesn’t show up when you call people? I had no idea this was even possible.).

— No, Tiger won’t lose any of his endorsements. Kobe Bryant is on the cover of NBA 2K10, and he got hit with criminal charges for his adultery. Michael Phelps satisfied his munchies with Jared and a $5 footlong on a Subway commercial after the bongload seen ’round the world. The only way Tiger would lose endorsements would be if he either changed his name to Tiger Allah Mohammed Durka-Durka or if he married his caddy, Steve Williams.

— Gotta love that US Weekly is the one breaking the story about the Tool Academy chick, Jaimee Grubbs (which is a perfect name for her, by the way). And here I was thinking they only wrote about Speidi!

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