So it’s official, Kurt Warner isn’t just your run of the mill free agent quarterback, he’s Scott Stapp. For those who don’t know or have erased their memories of this God-awful (pun intended) band from their brains, Stapp is the lead singer of Creed. He’s also a guy who has a major God complex, to the point where he starred in a video for a song called “My Sacrifice” where he pulled himself into a rowboat.
Warner doesn’t purport to be Jesus like Stapp sort of did, just that the Lord talks to him directly about where he will throw footballs over the next two seasons.
It’s nice to hear that as people lose their jobs and homes everyday, God is directly speaking to millionaire quarterbacks in the midst of a day full of brown-nosing and luxury travel. Apparently Mike Singletary must have left his cross at home when he talked to Warner, because it was while Samurai Mike was making his pitch that Warner heard God say, “Kurt, seriously, Josh Morgan is this team’s best receiver. Don’t be a dumbass.” Or something.
Y’all ready for some (possibly chemically enhanced) man-torso?
–The Niners signed Damon Huard. No, I’m not kidding. (SF 49ers)
–Can someone give us some GOOD NEWS??? Actually yes, Mark Roman has been given permission to seek a trade. Too bad most NFL teams wouldn’t offer anything more than a couple half-full bottles of 5 Hour Energy drink. (Pro Football Talk)
–Tom Brady’s a little bigger than he was right out of college, and the Stetson man wants everyone to know. (Deadspin)
–After signing Nomar it looks like the A’s are hoping to become the All-2001 Steroid Team. Don’t believe me? Check out this old Sports Illustrated cover. (SI Vault)
–Edgar Renteria projections…my guess is 125 games, 8 homers and 2 extra inches on his waistline by the end of the year. And zero shirtless SI Covers. (McCovey Chronicles)
–Andrew Bogut likes to high-five himself at the free throw line. Looks like Kurt Warner isn’t the only one hearing voices. (Fear The Beard)
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If Warner is mimicking Scott Strapp’s moves, does that mean God is about to text him to make a sex tape with Kid Rock?
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SGL, I gotta stick up for my boy. I resent the implication that KW would ever stoop so low. Sex tapes are forbidden by the charter of the Injured Digits Club.
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Kurt Warner’s chronic thumb pain is just a reminder from God of his own mortality.
Romo’s pinkie is proof that he’s a sinner. Everyone knows the pinkie is the most unholy of all digits.
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[...] Smith and Matthew Stafford/Mark Sanchez and 1 vote for Kurt Warner (to be fair to whoever went with Scott Stapp Warner, the poll question was asked a couple days before he signed with the [...]
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I have to admit, I have a Stapp infection.
Thanks for posting this! With so much bad news being posted it’s good to see some positivity!!!! Everyone wants to hate. yeah, I’d like to see them go triple DIAMOND, sell 35 millions records, right? exactly.
This is the BEST news I’ve ever heard…in my entire life. The one band that actually improved people’s lives by giving them a second Christ to look up to and give true hope that life can be worth living! Scott Stapp will be remembered as the songwriter of our generation, not to mention easily the best SHOW of our Millenia! Even his National Anthem soars skyscraper-height over Aretha’s inaugural rendition! I love Aretha, who doesn’t, but Scott dominates… and we should bestow upon him the honor and rock-god glory, for ever and ever. Amen.
Officially,
Wicked Celtics
“Wicked C†if ya nasty
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