Tom Brady

7 Reasons You’re Really Watching the Super Bowl (Other than the Game Itself)

Being the girlfriend of the Bay Area Sports Guy, I think I have a pretty good feel for why all you sports guys out there are REALLY watching the Super Bowl. But because you all are so manly and tough, you won’t actually say you’re watching the game for any other reason than to watch the game (and admitting that you’re looking forward to wings, nachos and my jello shots do not count). It would be different if a team from the Bay Area was playing, but this year, I think you all are watching the game for other reasons – seven to be exact.

7. Puppies and Lingerie
Let’s not forget the two other Bowls that make up the total Super package: The Puppy Bowl and The Lingerie Bowl. The Lingerie Bowl is a more slutted-out version of the Powder Puff game from back in high school and boasts models in lingerie clawing at one another to try to “score.” Oh yeah. And this year, one of its “celebrity” sideline reporters is Kato Kaelin and the two teams are being coached by Brian “Boz” Bosworth and Jim McMahon! I have no idea who the “Boz” or the “Mahon” are but I’m guessing that this is the closest they have both been to being associated with the Super Bowl in their football careers (yes, they both played). But still, you sports guys out there can’t wait till halftime to skip “Free Fallin'” and check out the hot girls rolling around in the mud.

And, more importantly, you will watch The Puppy Bowl. Though you will have to have a girl actually take the remote and flip to the channel, you’ll enjoy watching these future dogletes bound around and wrestle with one another. The penalty flags for peeing on the puppy field are pretty funny, and you’ll think, “Hahaha, that would be funny if Michael Strahan did that during the real Super Bowl.”

Regardless, puppies and lingerie models rolling around together are a great combination and a must-see for this Sunday. Bow-wow!

6. The Gatorade Dunk
Yes, that moment during the game, when there is no chance for the other team to make any sort of comeback, and the unsuspecting head coach is busy talking on his headset, and some irrelevant player comes up to him to ask him a question when, really, he has led the plan for the big Gatorade dunk.

This is a moment we all like to see because, for once, the head coach is forced into making an expression other than a scowl. And I know you all are hoping that if the Patriots win, Billy Belichick gets it good. And as a girl, I must point out that another reason to look forward to this is the fact that Billy wears sweats. Normally, coaches are in some sort of water repelling jacket. But because Billy is so lazy and really could care less, he chooses to wear sweats, which will absorb all the Gatorade. Ha. I hope his drawstring is tied tightly around his waist this Sunday!

5. Paula Abdul
Her big comeback is slated for during the Super Bowl! And, I know all you guys out there will be wondering how many prescription drugs she may be on, what combo she is using, and why the hell Paula Abdul is performing at the Super Bowl. Unfortunately for us, FOX was wise enough to pre-film her performance to eliminate anything too insane. Regardless of the pre-shoot, there’s only so much editing and soft focus that can be done, and this is a guaranteed train wreck ready to be aired!

4. Eli Manning and wait…what…is that my face mask?
As the Bay Area Sports Guy so wisely stated in an earlier post, sometimes you just wonder what is going on in Eli Manning’s head. He seems to get so confused and flustered – both during the game and after. When the Giants won the NFC Championship game, every reporter at the game was trying to interview him and ask him about the game. All he could keep saying was, “Umm yeah, where’s my family? I swear my mom was right there…” What does that have to do with the game!? And why are you looking for your Mom? That’s even worse than the dreaded, “You’ve won the game, but what are you going to do next?” Answer: “I’m going to Disneyland!” It’ll be interesting to watch poor little Eli figure stuff out.

3. Gisele
So, she’s been too important to make an appearance at any other Patriots game and definitely doesn’t need it for her career (unlike a certain talentless ex-reality star). She’s off modeling, walking around on the beaches of Brazil, you know, just being fabulous – just being Gisele. But because this is the Super Bowl, there is a chance that the lovely Gisele may be at the game. And in that case, all you sports guys are hoping for some shots of her lounging, maybe stretching her legs out over the banister, while she watches the game from the Gisele Luxury Suite. Sweet!

2. Commercials
You gotta admit, the Super Bowl Commercials are really cool! This year will be no exception. I’m going to go ahead and predict that there will be at least three commercials with monkeys (because, you know, Americans LOVE monkeys), at least ten Budweiser commercials featuring a dog trying to be a horse, Pepsi featuring *put name of washed up pop singer in here*, a commercial that doesn’t tell you what service they provide but has lots of hot girls in it, and Richard Simmons getting hit by a car. Ok, that last one I heard about from E! News, but haven’t you all been fantasizing about the one day Richard Simmons would stop crying and finally shut up? Well, this will give you some sort of satisfaction.

1. To See Tom Brady Cry
Who isn’t tired of seeing the Patriots win the last 18 times in a row? I know all you Bay Area sports guys out there are hoping that somehow, confusing facemask and all, Eli Manning and the Giants will be able to pull off a Super Bowl victory. And as a result of this upset, Tom Brady will cry. And cry. And smear his black paint under his eyes. And cry. And then the camera will pan away from Eli looking for his mom, and show Gisele on her throne, waving goodbye to Tom Brady and leaving him with his babymama and cranky kid to cry with. And Billy will freak out too and yell at Tom, who, as a result, will then cry more.

These are the real hopes, dreams and reasons that all you sports guys out there are watching the Super Bowl this year. And oh yeah, the game might be good too.

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