Even though they haven’t all been good this year, I’m going to play the role of Santa Claus today and slide down the chimneys of every professional sports franchise in the Bay with gifts. And no re-gifting, expired gift cards or bargain-basement trinkets from the dollar store on the corner, either. These presents are sure to warm the hearts of each team’s fans.
San Jose Earthquakes
You already have a fantastic stadium (from what I’ve heard), but for the third straight year you missed the playoffs.
Gifts: A postseason berth and 10x the current media coverage
San Jose Sharks
Your fans have felt trapped in a “Groundhog Day”-like scenario for years, with the team’s core barely changing and similar results each Spring. As a result, attendance and interest are plummeting in the South Bay. There’s only one remedy for a fanbase that probably felt a little relieved when you didn’t make the playoffs last year, which meant avoiding another first or second round exit.
Gift: The first Stanley Cup Finals appearance in franchise history (alright, I’m feeling extra generous — a Stanley Cup victory, too)
Oakland Raiders
Last night couldn’t have been your last game in The Town, right? It seems like no one is really prepared for the departure you’ve been warning us about for so many years, a departure that shouldn’t take place since the Raiders really do belong here and the NFL probably doesn’t want your owner to land in L.A. anyway.
Gifts: A three-year stay at Levi’s Stadium, a hefty loan from the NFL, and a spot next to the A’s off 880 … plus a couple decent cornerbacks for good measure
San Francisco 49ers
Santa could hand you guys a shiny new quarterback, or a couple pass rushers, or a coach who speaks English instead of some version of Pittsburghese with “OK” at the end of every sentence. But what you really need more than anything else is enough Ajax to fill a dump truck and a tanker truck full of bleach.
Gift: A comprehensive, top-to-bottom front office house cleaning
Golden State Warriors
The greedy little boys and girls are asking for Kevin Durant, but there’s only one present you guys truly need.
Gift: No more headaches and other assorted symptoms for Steve Kerr
Oakland Athletics
San Jose is off the table, and as a result you’ve been in a holding pattern until your stadium situation gets resolved in some fashion. Howard Terminal would be a gorgeous spot, but even Santa has to be realistic.
Gifts: Coliseum City approved and funded; Franklin Barreto becomes the team’s first MVP-caliber player Billy Beane neither trades nor declines to extend
San Francisco Giants
What do you get the team that has everything?
Gift: Opening Day Lineup
- Pence RF
- Panik 2B
- Posey C
- Belt 1B
- Cespedes LF
- Crawford SS
- Duffy 3B
- Pagan/Blanco CF
- Bumgarner SP
