Deadspin’s Tim Marchman created quite a stir after releasing his top-41 cereals last week. The comments section on the post is like the disturbing back alley in the minds of cereal lovers everywhere, and it was met with ire from many, including Washington Wizards forward and cereal enthusiast Trevor Booker. Just check out this excerpt from an interview with Washington Post’s Dan Steinberg:
Me: Number three is Grape Nuts.
Booker: Who?
Me: Grape Nuts.
Booker: [Shakes head]
Me: Not a fan of Grape Nuts?
Booker: No. Who are they polling?
Me: Oh, no, themselves. This is their own opinion.
Booker: Ohhhh. Are they, like, old?
My sentiments exactly. Look, I get the feeling these rankings were about as sincere as a Lowell Cohn column. If there’s ever a place to troll the internet, it’s in a post ranking cereals. But we like lists, we like debates, and we like a good trolling. Booker’s response to Marchman’s rankings got me thinking: Let’s burn this awful list down and build a new one that more accurately represents the common cereal consumer.
First, here’s Marchman’s list, which he claims is in order of deliciousness. He automatically lost me by starting with the allegedly most delicious cereal and working his way down towards mediocrity. That’s not how lists work, and besides, you’ll see: the entire list is filled with mediocrity. I’ve added my own responses wherever applicable:
- 1. Milk and Honey Original Café Mix (If I have to Google your top cereal, the list is moot)
- 2. Cheerios (Plain Cheerios to boot, because Honey Nut is further down. Classic? Yes. Delicious? Nah.)
- 3. Grape-Nuts (Maybe if you’re a 54-year-old spandex-clad street bicyclist)
- 4. Life (Not even Cinnamon Life cracks my top-five)
- 5. Rice Krispies (Anything that you have to add sugar to isn’t in the Top-10)
- 6. Chex (See above)
- 7. Crispix (See above)
- 8. Frosted Mini-Wheats (Okay, now you’re talking)
- 9. Mueslix (I don’t know what this is but it sounds like anti-diarrheal medication)
- 10. Raisin Bran (Won’t argue with this)
- 11. Crunchy Corn Bran (Sounds boring)
- 12. Corn Flakes (Tastes boring)
- 13. Honey Bunches of Oats (Word)
- 14. Honey Nut Cheerios (Truly the first place Cheerios should appear)
- 15. Kix (See: Rice Krispies)
- 16. Shredded Wheat (Nah, man. Nah)
- 17. Golden Grahams (Throwback. Solid choice)
- 18. Cap’n Crunch (Should be way higher)
- 19. Honeycomb (Okay, sure)
- 20. Cinnamon Toast Crunch (How did you put this so far below the anti-diarrheal cereal?)
- 21. Frosted Flakes (I’ll take it)
- 22. Frosted Cheerios (Niche cereal. I can take it or leave it)
- 23. Reese’s Puffs (BINGO)
- 24. Count Chocula (Don’t patronize me)
- 25. Cocoa Puffs (I’d put the chocolate milk that this cereal creates above Corn Flakes)
- 26. Cookie Crisp (Truly the Tom Brady of cereal. Don’t sleep on it)
- 27. Cocoa Pebbles (Should be above Cocoa Puffs)
- 28. Honey Smacks (Meh)
- 29. Corn Pops (Don’t let ’em get soggy)
- 30. Apple Jacks (Biggest misnomer ever. They taste nothing like apples, and what the hell are Jacks)
- 31. Fruit Loops (Highly overrated)
- 32. Fruity Pebbles (Should be right next to Cocoa Pebbles)
- 33. Frankenberry (Nah)
- 34. Booberry (NAH)
- 35. Multigrain Cheerios (Nope)
- 36. All Bran (NUH-UH)
- 37. Fiber One (You serious bro)
- 38. Cracklin’ Oat Bran (You’re setting up a troll aren’t you)
- 39. GoLean Fiber Twigs (Yup you’re trolling)
- 40. Wheaties (Okay where’s the troll punchline)
- 41. Lucky Charms (THERE IT IS)
It took until the 8th overall to get to a cereal that I wouldn’t eat begrudgingly. Putting Lucky Charms at the bottom of this list is a dead giveaway: the guy didn’t really put thought into it. You weren’t meant for to read this while nodding your head in agreement. This list was made to INFURIATE you. I get that. I won’t do that.
Here’s my list. Listen, you’re not going to agree with everything, but that’s the beauty of the cereal aisle: It’s long, with many choices. Different strokes for different folks. Let me be a hypocrite and say that, while I, on general principle, refuse to try any of the unheard of cereals that Marchman named, I suggest you try the obscure ones that I throw out there. And if you don’t like my list, I encourage you to rip it and write your own. That’s what the internet iz for, folks:
- 41. Reptar Cereal (that’s right — a fictional cereal is better than Grape Nuts, Mueslix, and all the other obscure cereals that didn’t make the cut)
- 40. Crispix
- 39. Rice Krispies
- 38. Cheerios
- 37. Kix
- 36. Raisin Bran Crunch
- 35. Froot Loops
- 34. Cap’n Crunch Berries
- 33. Apple Jacks
- 32. Banana Nut Crunch
- 31. Count Chocula
- 30. Cinnamon Chex (ONLY Cinnamon though)
- 29. Double Chocolate Krave
- 28. Golden Grahams
- 27. Gorilla Munch
- 26. Honey Smacks
- 25. Honeycomb
- 24. Honey Nut Cheerios
- 23. Frosted Cheerios
- 22. Corn Pops
- 21. Waffle Crisp
- 20. Trix
- 19. Cinnamon Life (ONLY Cinnamon though)
- 18. Oreo O’s
- 17. Cocoa Puffs
- 16. Raisin Bran
- 15. Frosted Mini Wheats
- 14. Frosted Flakes
- 13. Honey Bunches of Oats
- 12. Peanut Butter Toast Crunch
- 11. Cocoa Pebbles
- 10. Fruity Pebbles
- 9. Cocoa Pebbles and Fruit Pebbles mixed together
- 8. Cap’n Crunch
- 7. Hershey’s Cookies and Cream Cereal (trust me)
- 6. Rice Krispie Treats Cereal (R.I.P.)
- 5. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
- 4. Cookie Crisp
- 3. Reeces Puffs
- 2. Quaker Oh!s (TRUST ME)
- 1. Lucky Charms
Okay, so I scrutinized the top-15 and sorta let it go from there. Oh!s should really be in the top spot, but for the sake of not coming off like a total hipster I gave it to the leprechaun. This is my cereal equivalent of a mock draft, which means I really don’t care that much. But what’s important to understand is that there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY Grape Nuts, Wheaties or any of those other weak excuses for cereals were making it onto my list.
And if you don’t believe me about Quaker Oh!s, go buy a box. It’s the only cereal in existence that gets better as it gets soggier.
