Chris Cohan

Happy Larry Ellison Day!

If the rumors are to be believed, and there’s no reason besides outright cynicism not to, the Warriors’ new owner will be … (drumroll) … Larry Ellison!

It’s impossible to believe, though, isn’t it? Perhaps by the time I’m done writing this Ellison will be announced as the new owner (Matt Steinmetz says it’s pretty much a done deal), and I still have an extremely difficult time believing it. It would be crass to compare the Warriors switching owners with soldiers being told the war they’re fighting is now over, but Chris Cohan has been waging war upon the basketball Gods and the NBA’s most loyal fans for years now, and the same feelings of dreamlike relief and disbelief would be quite similar, if less intense.

The sale coming sooner than most of us expected (after the Lee trade went through I openly wondered if the sale would happen this year) would make sense, actually. How else to explain the current front office turning a below average team into perhaps the worst in the league in the space of a few weeks? Of course the Warriors’ front office would do whatever they could to ruin the team with what little time they had left in power; they’ve been teasing, disappointing and infuriating fans for years. Might as well end with a bang.

Speaking of, in Hawaii they sell fireworks, and my fiance’s uncle bought a group of medium-sized street fireworks at the local Foodland. The best part about fireworks available in supermarkets isn’t what they actually do once lit, since even in states that don’t have to worry about droughts and massive wildfires raging every summer, the once-dangerous roman candles, pinwheels and bottle rockets were muzzled years ago. But with names like “Mortar Fire” and “Golden Shower” (no joke), combined with a tipsy uncle with a lighter and a bit of a pyromania streak, you know you’re in for a good time.

Cohan, Robert Rowell and their stooges have been giving fans the golden shower treatment for over 15 years now, but never more so than the last month. This offseason, the Warriors have subtracted Corey Maggette, Anthony Randolph, Ronny Turiaf, Kelenna Azubuike and now Anthony Morrow. They’ve added Ekpe Udoh (who will reportedly miss 4-6 months after undergoing wrist surgery, which means he probably won’t play at all next season), Dan Gadzuric, Charlie Bell, Dorell Wright and the newly very rich David Lee. Like I wrote on Twitter, “I’d take Maggs/Buike/AR/Ronny/Morrow in a pickup game over Udoh/Bell/Gadz/DWright/Lee every single time.”

This is a team that has seen two bad moves for every good move it has made for over a decade, and lately that ratio has been getting even steeper. This has become a team that will struggle to win 20 games this season or play any defense at all, but the black cloud that has rained upon Oracle Arena has been blown aside by the bearded one. New floor design, new logos, new uniforms, new terrible acquisitions, new owner. And that last one probably means new coach, new GM, new announcers (Greg Papa?), a new name for Oracle Arena and a new lease on life. Time to celebrate Warriors fans. In an era where optimism is the new championship ring, everyone around here just got some nice new bling.

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