Dustin Pedroia

Jonathan Broxton is fat

Ya closer’s so fat!!!

How fat is he???

Ya closer is so big and fat that he can get busy
with twenty-two burritos, but times are rough
I seen him in the back of Taco Bell with handcuffs

So, I was worried about Justin Miller’s physical conditioning tonight, only because Jon Miller said that not only does Justin wear the same number Tyler Walker does, he also shares the same silhouette from behind. And it’s true, Justin looks like he’s spent most of his Major League per diem where it was meant to be spent: chain restaurants.

But before we disparage Giants pitchers who are a tad over their optimal BMI, look at Broxton’s pants!!! It’s like they stuck two Eric Gagnes in there! Call me crazy, but when did they let nose tackles become closers? I know Los Angeles has to have a little pro football envy, but injecting liquified chicken skin into your closer’s veins throughout Spring Training is a little extreme.

Hey, we know Pablo Sandoval’s a little rotund, but he’s a mere Randy Cross to Broxton’s Nate Newton. A young Elvis to Broxton’s old Elvis.

Broxton, you’re a fat man, and that doesn’t work if you’re a closer. If you want to be an obese pitcher, you have to be able to hit — like Don Robinson, Rick Reuschel, Livan Hernandez and Bob Walk. You can’t just be some slovenly bench-resident who expends about 300 calories per day in pursuits not related to consuming food.

Oh, that’s why you just walked Rich Aurilia with the bases loaded! That’s two walks in a row, isn’t it? Hmmm, it seems that little Cartmans like you can’t exactly be counted on to throw strikes when necessary. What’s wrong, do you need a salt-lick? Some sugar cubes? 48 White Castle Sliders?

Whatever Broxton, you struck out Eugenio Velez in the eighth inning after walking Rich Aurilia to force in a run. Congratu-f’n-lations. I could strike out Velez right now. I like how your “listed weight” is 295 lbs. Yeah, and Dustin Pedroia’s 5’9″. At least he can fly coach without putting the armrest up.

Tomorrow: a look at Manny Ramirez’s hair extensions.

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