Bill Simmons

No “Hard Knocks” life for 49ers

As the Niners jumped out of the gate last season with a 3-1 record, and the nation’s fascination with Mike Singletary threatened to reach a fevered pitch, I thought the next logical step out after a possible playoff season (how hopeful we were back then) was for the 49ers to be the next team featured on HBO’s highly addictive show, Hard Knocks.

Alas, the nation stopped worrying about Singletary when his team lost four straight and started paying more attention to “Sanchy and the Fat Man.” Yep, the New York Jets are set to be the next Hard Knocks squad, so I guess we’ll get to see if Darrelle Revis can follow up his blanketing of Chad Ochocinco with a catchphrase that rivals “child please.” Doubtful.

Come to think of it, the 49ers probably don’t want the bother of all those cameras, seeing as they don’t have a freaking general manager, and interviews with the teams’ general managers are usually a fairly important part of the show. Plus, Singletary wouldn’t curse, and that just won’t do for HBO. Rex Ryan will drop at least 5 eff-bombs per episode, as long as the Jets don’t give him a shock collar that detects swear words (possible). Plus, it’ll be our first chance to see a drastically thinner Rex after his weight-loss surgery. You thought you were freaked out when Peter King showed up all thin and stuff on “Inside the NFL”? Wait until you see rail-thin Rex with all that extra skin flapping in the wind.

Monta needs to hit the Highwa

– The first time Monta Ellis gagged on a game-ending play (when the Warriors lost 124-121 to the Lakers on March 15), he smiled as if to say, “Oh, man. We just can’t get a break this year.” At least that’s what most people thought. After all, how could anybody expect him to nail a three when he had to grab the rebound, sprint out behind the arc and fire up a turnaround jumper from 24 feet? (OK, maybe he could have passed to an open Anthony Morrow, but whatever.)

When Monta broke out the same stupid, apathetic, what-do-I-care-I’m-still-getting-paid grin after missing another shot at the buzzer against the Suns on Monday, it showed that he doesn’t have a healthy attitude about winning and losing; he really doesn’t care. At all. Like he’d rather see the Warriors lose, because it will get him out of town quicker and prove the ineptitude of the front office that had the gall to fine him $3M for crashing his moped. In a way you can’t blame him, but you’d hope your “best player” had some sort of self-motivational thoughts going on in that little brain of his. The Warriors should have traded Monta for O.J. Mayo and Hasheem Thabeet when/if they had the chance.

– Now Bill Simmons knows what I’ve known for over 4 years: Omar Samhan is one of the best interview subjects you could ask for. I talked to him twice while writing for the CC Times, once when he was a freshman and once while he was a sophomore. Then I saw him play for the first time, and I wondered how his game could ever match his quotability skills with the spare tire he was lugging around. Simmons asked Omar the question I’ve had all year, “Could you lose more (weight)?” I think he can, but Simmons thinks he should stay at the weight he is now so he can bang in the post and set picks. Um, maybe ……. but I don’t think it would hurt Omar to be able to dunk without a running start someday. To be fair Omar knows his limitations, telling Simmons, “You don’t need a 40-inch vertical, but my vertical is a negative-1.”

– Sure, Milton Bradley. You’re just like Kanye West. If Kanye West got into that same car crash every single year.

– Why can’t Urban Meyer just go away?

– Would it be cynical to say it isn’t surprising that Rhianna’s boyfriend is none other than Matt Kemp, a man who was falsely accused of domestic violence in the past? Kemp’s a lot bigger dude than Chris Brown, that’s all I’m going to say. Well, for now.

– Speaking of “falsely accused,” Big Ben’s (latest) rape accuser is getting the full-on smear campaign treatment, Kobe-style.

Grant from McCovey Chronicles says that Spring Training stats mean nothing — unless we’re partial to the player who’s raking. Kinda surprising stuff from the site that spawned “Bowkermania.”

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