Yesterday the A’s were abused in ways heretofore unseen in their Oakland history. They surrendered 26 hits to the Baltimore Orioles in a humiliating 18-2 loss, their sixth in a row. That was the highest hit total allowed since 1955 for the A’s franchise. The defeat also dropped them to a season-low 17 games under .500, a remarkable turn of futility for a team which was the best in the league at last year’s All-Star break. They keep finding new and creative ways to lose in their quest for abject deterioration.
Yet whilst reaching rock bottom at Camden Yards, the A’s were not satisfied with that level of inadequacy. According to unnamed sources, Oakland’s ownership group sought the expertise of engineers who operate the Kola Borehole in Russia (pictured.)
This aggressive undertaking, began during the years of the Soviet Union, is mankind’s most focused attempt to drill as deep into the earth as possible. The project began in 1970 using the Uralmash 4-E drill, but Billy Beane really had his eyes on the newer Uralmash-15000. The 15000 has reached a low of 40,230 feet deep, the present record. When a trade of Sonny Gray was offered for the 15000, the Russian scientists “pretended” not to know who he was. Well-played by a coy and savvy drill ownership group.
Undeterred, Oakland’s GM turned to Brad Pitt for advice, and Pitt told him about movie director James Cameron. Seems the “Terminator” man set a record himself for the deepest solo dive in a submarine in 2012, reaching 6.8 miles down into the Mariana Trench. This remarkable feat was accomplished in the Deepsea Challenger (pictured), built by the Acheron Project.
No human has ever gone to such a depth, but rumors said the A’s were looking more in the range of a 7-mile plummet. “We’re not going to part with Olson and Barreto unless we can get to that mark,” said a person close to the situation. “Acheron is trying to low-ball us like Astros did in the Kazmir trade. We’re not going to get screwed like that again.”
Oakland scouts have also kept a sharp eye on the natural world, and have sussed out which animals are the most adept at digging a hole. It all began when an A’s executive, who reported this on the condition of anonymity, saw his front lawn being torn asunder by gophers.
“As I was pouring my cup of morning coffee down the gopher hole,” he remarked, “I realized that these little buggers are rather clever.”
Scouts were then sent to Prairie Dog colonies in the Great Plains to see “how toolsy” they were and to figure out if they had “a high ceiling.” It still wasn’t enough – they had to get deeper! After a subsequent visit to the UC Berkeley zoology department, the A’s knew what they had to do: get inside the mind of an Upogebia Deltaura (pictured.)
The Upogebia Deltaura is the deepest burrowing crustacean in the world. The “mud lobster,” as it’s also called, has tunneled down to a record depth of 620 feet. This was perfect for one reason: the mud lobster would require no compensation. “They’re friggin’ free. They’ve been waived by nature” said an Oakland area scout. The PR Department has been alerted. Mud Lobster Bobblehead Night is being arranged. Rock Lobster will now be the walk-up song for Mark Canha. But do not be surprised if the A’s change their plans. “The situation is fluid,” said Banjo Man’s cousin, Harmonica Man. “The A’s might go on the cheap and just emulate the ostrich.”