Andre Ethier

Photo shoot proves Andre Ethier is a wookie

First Kobe Bryant, now Andre Ethier. From now on, any Los Angeles athlete who gets a call from LA Times Magazine asking about potential photo shoots should hang up the phone faster than I do when I get automated phone calls from political candidates asking for votes on election day.

While LAT Magazine did their best to make Kobe look like Johnny Depp in “Alice in Wonderland” (or was it Elijah Wood?), Ethier can at least thank the photographer for allowing him to look something like a human male — albeit a very fancy human male. A fancy boy, if you will.

Ethier can also thank the photographer for bringing attention to just how hairy he is. This is Robin Williams-level arm and chest hair, folks. Carlos Boozer move over, there’s a new athlete in town with the body hair volume of a 64-year-old Greek dude.

It’s amazing that on a team chocked full of terrible beards like the Dodgers that Ethier continues to go clean shaven. With gorilla arms and a chest that a mouse could get lost in, you’d think Ethier probably has to shave every three innings to keep from looking like Matt Kemp. I’d like to thank the Dodgers for giving me another post idea simply based on physical traits, much like when I brought you the earth-shattering observation that Jonathan Broxton shops in the husky section.

Oh, and thanks again to Deadspin for bringing the focus back to what these guys look like with their clothes off. Thankfully nobody’s leaked any dong-pics of Ethier, the amount of manscaping needed would require a dozen “helpers” from Home Depot equipped with garden weasels. Luckily, Deadspin has several accomplished photoshoppers who created a bunch of Ethier-related pictures that somehow succeeded in exceeding the unintentional comedy of the original LAT Magazine photo shoot (including the “Brokeback” themed one on the right).

Hey, um, Tim Lincecum’s friend? I need to see some ID.

– Let’s see, yesterday the Giants swept the Dodgers on National TV, Madison Bumgarner turned 21 and today’s an off-day. Yep, I’d say it’s pretty safe to say there’s some Giants that woke this morning with headaches.

– Betcha $10 Brian Wilson “iced” Bumgarner at some point.

– And yes, I’m jealous: two days after I turned 21 I had two finals. Pretty sure I went from holding an “A” in both classes to a final grade of “B” after each exam (on both of which I probably scored about as high as Andris Biedrins’ 2009/10 free throw percentage). Hopefully MaddyMaddyBumBum’s start two days after today’s hangover will be handled better. (And yes, it’s confessions like this that make me glad neither of my parents read my blog…although my fiance’s mom does, so JUST KIDDING ABOUT DRINKING IN COLLEGE!)

– Actually, after what happened to my favorite fifth outfielder’s little brother, maybe I should stop talking about alcohol, period. The scary thing (besides the whole felony DUI/multiple hit-and-run thing while driving without a license) is that it happened on Sunday morning.

– Crazy that unless the writers decide to send Bobby Cox off with the award as a farewell gift, Bruce Bochy is a late-season fade from the Padres and Reds away from being NL Manager of the Year.

– Matt Cain is tied for 3rd in the NL in complete games (4) and tied for 2nd in shutouts (2). He’s 5th in innings pitched (151), 9th in WHIP (1.13), 11th in ERA (2.98) and 8th in BA against (.221). And he ranks higher than Tim Lincecum in every one of those categories. In other words, if Matt Cain raised his K/9 from his career average of around 7 to close to 9, he’d be a regular Cy Young contender.

– I’m pretty moderate in terms of my sabermetric loyalty and/or expertise. So I’m not sure whether to be disturbed that Cain’s WAR (Wins Above Replacement) of 2.6 ranks 15th in the NL (Lincecum’s WAR of 3.6 is the fifth-highest) or just be happy the when it comes to WAR (What is it good for? … Sorry.) Giants have four starters in the top 34 in the NL. Whatever, the important thing is Cain could be primed for a 10-year stretch that brings 150 wins (even if wins/losses don’t tell us much, you have to admit that would be pretty cool).

– It amazes me how upset people get when they hear news like Ryan Rohlinger getting sent back to Fresno today. How is this a surprise? Where was he going to play? There’s definitely an indie rock segment of fans within the ranks. Sure, Aaron Rowand and Edgar Renteria are pretty much the MLB equivalent of Nickelback, but that doesn’t mean every John Bowker or Rohlinger is going to turn out to be the Cold War Kids if given the chance to hit the stage. (And this week’s edition of “Clumsy Music Metaphors” is brought to you by Kars for Kids. K-A-R-S Kars for Kids, donate your kar today.)

– Speaking of awkward radio ads, you know you’re a Giants fan (or to be even more specific, a Mychael Urban/Marty Lurie fan) if you can sing along to, “We truly care for you and your family…we believe in our COMMUNITY! We’re Good Neighbor, LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAA…We’re Good Neighbor PHARMACYYYYY.”

– OK, I’ll stop before any of you really want to beat the “cluck” out of me.

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