Amare Stoudemire

With his warmups around his ankles…

Watching Corey Maggette over the last month brings to mind the funniest story ever created by The Onion’s sports section. I can’t go into the specifics here…

Wait, yes I can. My censor is me, and it’s 11 pm after another Warrior loss that will serve as another excuse-provider for Bob Fitzgerald tomorrow. All bets are off.

To summarize The Onion’s masterpiece, Tracy McGrady was caught by teammates pleasuring himself while watching tape of his own 41-point performance.

And when Maggette is all by himself, and he gets a generous amount of personal time to shut his eyes, tilt his head back and daydream about basketball, I have no doubt his most luscious fantasies come extremely close to the situation he’s in right now with the Golden State Warriors.

“Aw yeah, Corey’s so smooth. Look at him drive to the hole. Oh, that’s and one! Hold on, I’m going to have to turn up this Jodeci a little bit. Mmmmmmmm-mmmm. Look at our bench! Three D-Leaguers. Yes, that’s nice. ‘Maggette, from the elbow…aw, he just barely missed…the rebound by some D-Leaguer, back to Maggette for three…GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!'”

40+ minutes at small forward. All the shots he wants. At the most, only two other offensive threats on the floor at any given time. And most importantly, a coach who doesn’t demand defensive effort and a team that is under absolutely no pressure in any way. As long as Maggette doesn’t roll an ankle or foul out in the first half, he’s done his job.

So no wonder the guy’s in the midst of the best stretch of his career. Going into tonight’s game the Warriors’ PR crew was putting out the word that Maggette — along with Shaq, Amare Stoudemire and Dwight Howard — was one of only four players ever to score over 25 ppg, shoot over 60% and dish 6 apg over a 17-game stretch. Tonight he went 10-for-18 from the field for 33 points, 9 rebounds, 6 assists and 5 turnovers. Like everyone besides George Costanza during the infamous Seinfeld episode, Maggette is going to sleep well tonight.

Tinkling on the Warriors’ Grave

– Attention today noticeably turned to the fact that Monta Ellis has played 9 complete games, which is 7 more CGs than the Oakland Athletics had as a team last season. It was good to see that Don Nelson learned the error of his ways tonight, since Ellis is only a year removed from returning after major ankle surgery and was complaining of soreness this morning due to the weather. Nellie played him only 52:55 of 53 possible minutes tonight.

– Something tells me Devean George didn’t sign up for playing 39 minutes in a single game this season. And he definitely didn’t plan on having to defend Carmelo Anthony one-on-one.

– It’s irrelevant anyway, but the officials really were horrible tonight. Oh wait, when 12-26 teams play passive defense against a team that made it to the Western Conference Finals, you don’t get calls in the NBA. And it doesn’t matter who the home team is.

– Not sure Jim Barnett had to mention his “sweaty palms” due to the supposed importance of this game the first time, but after Fitz ignored him, he definitely didn’t need to mention them a second time. Just hold some kleenex and pretend you care like Maggette, Barnett.

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